meep

The closer Thursday gets, the more I dread turning 25. Cause I look at what I've managed to do with my life, and I cringe. Sure, there are tons of good things....but damn. I feel like I've completely wasted my life. I am nowhere close to where I thought I'd be 5 years ago. 5 years ago....there were things I wanted to do with my life. And now....there still is, but I'm no longer as idealistic about it. Right after high school, I had an almost guaranteed free ride through college. And what did I do? I blew it. I dropped out. I wonder where I'd be now if I hadn't. There's no question that I wouldn't have made some of the choices that I did. But would I still be the same person? Oh the questions that thinking about this stuff brings up. Unanswerable questions.
College. Yeah, I'd love to go back and study something I like. Only problem is that there's too many fucking things that interest me. Anyone who's been around me long enough can probably name at least two. O_o And I know I could actually do it. I know that I could actually accomplish something and get a degree in something if I just put my mind to it. But I know what the cost is. And that's daunting. I've thought about doing one of those mail college course things....in criminal justice actually. And I know I could do it...but what's stopping me? Fuck if I know. There's a lot of things that I could do if I just got up and did it. I could lose weight...which I've wanted to for quite a while...I just haven't done it.
(Although in that case...I've seen what that has done to one of my friends. *shudder* And I definitely don't want to be like that. And I wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone else.)
So what's stopping me? I know what it is, but I don't know how to get around it. Fear. I've gotten used to certain things being the way they are, and they've been that way so long that I don't know what I would do if they weren't that way. make sense?
Grrr....sometimes, I would just prefer to be a mindless zombie, so I wouldn't have to think of such things. Damn my being at least a semi-intelligent lifeform!!

{Edit: I'm also thinking about writing again. On a writing site that I belong to, there were nominations being made for what members would recommend as good reading. To my complete and utter surprise, one of my poems from...holy fuck, it was only last year!...was nominated. I had honestly forgotten that I had written that.}